


Work Is What Makes the Man

by MeanderingWits



Series: AmeChu Week 2018 [2]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alfred is a workaholic, Alfred is also oblivious as hell, Gen, M/M, Yao is in a perpetual state of annoyance and no one can blame him, You would think the illegal dino fossils trade would be a bigger thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2018-07-03
Packaged: 2019-06-05 02:08:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15160088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeanderingWits/pseuds/MeanderingWits
Summary: All work and no play doesn't make Alfred a dull boy.  Just ask Yao.(Don't ask Yao.)





	Work Is What Makes the Man

**Author's Note:**

> Filled for Day 2 of Amechuweek 2018 ("Criminals").
> 
> This one ran a little long and approaches the theme a little tangentially, but I hope you enjoy it. :)

When Alfred got the report back, he was both happy and disheartened.

Of course, he didn’t let that show on his face. Instead, he basked in the hoots and cheers of his agents now that their suspicions had been confirmed.

These guys were the best of the best. They went through hours upon hours of rigorous training. The thing was, when you were like Alfred and had lived for centuries and had an active interest in keeping up with this field, their knowledge couldn’t compare to his. So credit was given where credit was due and Alfred happily received the pats on the back and the promises of free beers.

(He would have to make sure to use his fake ID, but whatever.)

Everything was set. They had the guy. They had the goods on the _goods_ , which definitely shouldn’t be here. They had a plan.

Alfred enjoyed this part of this the most. The uncovering of a crime! The chasing down of the wrongdoer! The rectifying of wrongs! It was all the stuff heroism was made out of, like the stuff from the stories Arthur told him when the bastard bothered to visit instead of beating up someone or another in Europe, just with cooler people, cooler tech, and just everything cooler in general. 

It was the diplomatic stuff that tripped him up.

Everything before that? Simple. And the law stuff? Alfred had that down pat. When a country’s founders were, for the most part, a bunch of angry lawyers, said country could not help but earn a reputation for legalese and enormous requirements for official paperwork.

The international stuff? That’s where it got complicated.

When it came to the criminal in question, it probably wouldn’t be too difficult. He and Matthew had cooperated so many times over the years that there were procedures and protocols, etc. Their folks would be able to handle it just fine.

No, the problem was the particular nature of these goods. In particular, _where they were from_. Or where they thought they were from. That last part was the real question. It could be Mongolia's but more likely they were from Yao's place.

Alfred and his folks had hoped they could just confiscate the goods, hand them over to some nice museum people, and be happy at a job well done. Sadly, their research had shown that indeed these kinds of cultural artifacts needed to be returned to their home country’s government. 

Well, at least in this work he was doing something good. With his current boss, he was lucky anyone was speaking to him at all these days.

Fingers crossed that he didn’t immediately get started on the wrong foot…

 

* * *

 

He immediately got started on the wrong foot.

Namely, he forgot there was a 15-hour time difference between Los Angeles and Beijing.

Yao _did not_ appreciate being woken up at 2 AM.

 

* * *

 

Okay, bad start. Alfred couldn’t exactly blame Yao for his poor mood. After all, not everyone was like him. He was used to waking up at a moment’s notice in the middle of the night for emergencies, thus more amenable to taking calls at all hours.

(Except Gilbert’s. Alfred loved a good meme as much as anybody, but even he had his limits. Though the memes were always better than the drunk phone calls yelling at him. He tried to forget those.)

Thankfully, Yao’s mood seemed to improve (1) after Alfred called at a, quote, “more sensible time, Meiguo!” and (2) after Alfred mentioned a certain show he wanted Yao to see with him. Yao was so enthusiastic in fact, Alfred barely got a word in about what exactly they’d be doing.

Considering all this, he actually was surprised to see Yao’s high spirits as the other nation walked off the plane. His counterpart was practically floating. Which was good! An appropriate reaction to landing on his shores, of course.

He was also surprised to see Yao dressed more…up to date? The black skinny jeans lengthened the line of Yao’s legs, and the V-neck gray shirt and oversized dark red cardigan suited him.

He looked good! Since Yao tended to wear only suits, _changsan_ , or casual clothing, Alfred forgot how Yao looked in other styles.

…But Alfred knew he had to put those thoughts aside. Romance, attraction, lust, love—all of that was personal and the personal and work should be kept mostly separate. Work was work. Work was _important_.

And there was always work to be done.

To business.

 

* * *

 

Yao was once again annoyed at him.

Apparently, Yao had somehow gotten the idea that they would be seeing the premiere of the latest anticipated big blockbuster. He had packed for _that_ occasion and a hopeful sidebar to San Francisco.

(Yao always had a soft spot for the Golden Gate Bridge and the bay. One time, when they were deep in their cups on that remote island, Yao went on for quite a bit about how things would’ve been different if he had reached the Americas first, from the north and east. _I’d start here. Deep waters, good land, and gold. My emperors were very literal. They’d probably call you Dongguo. I would’ve called you Penglai. Or Fusang. Though Meiguo suits you too well._ Alfred pointed out that it wasn’t Yao’s style to do that kind of colonizing, at least not then, and that among _many_ other things, Alfred wouldn’t be Alfred then.

Yao then asked if the war would’ve happened then. Alfred didn’t have a reply to that. Besides, there was work to be done and an enemy to defeat.)

Anyway, Alfred could sort of see where the misconception happened. He and Yao made some small talk about the movie and Alfred did plan to go to a midnight premiere to see it. Somewhere along the way, the wires got crossed.

Also, to be fair to Yao, the topic on hand? Dinosaurs.

 

* * *

 

Sadly, all this business needed to be done in Tucson. Not exactly the most glamorous of his cities, to be sure.

“Alfred.”

“Hm?”

“I have built cities in many places. But every time I visit your home, I wonder if your people have any brains between their ears!”

“It’s not that bad! Not since we’ve invented air conditioning—”

“It’s a desert!”

Alfred wondered if the Middle Eastern and Central Asian countries got the same lecture. It was only fair. They had built cities in the desert too!

And the air conditioning was a true blessing. The air outside was thick and the heat weighed on them like a blanket. The contrast was so arresting, the cold air practically smacked them into awareness.

Alfred still wore what he put on to meet Yao. Jeans, polo, and a blazer. The kind of people who went to these events and bought these sorts of goods had a look, at least when they were around his age. Also, a suit would’ve screamed, “FED.”

Yao had changed into a three-piece suit. Insisted on it, _if we are to be working._ There was an emphasis on this last part. An accusatory one. Alfred didn’t know what for.

Perhaps the trip could be salvaged, though. He had forgotten that Yao had a long interest in gems and minerals and, well, this _was_ a gem show. Alfred felt some pride in seeing Yao—ancient and undoubtedly difficult to impress—admire the stones and wares. An elephant carved from turquoise seemed to really catch his attention, as did some quartz beads.

Maybe, if he had a moment to spare, he could buy it for Yao. To make up for things.

But that moment wasn’t now. Alfred was sad to pull Yao away from a stand of open geodes. “I’m afraid we can’t spend too long here. The person we’re meeting is waiting.”

“There is no rush! It is not as if the items will be rotting or anything. If they lasted this long, five more minutes wouldn’t hurt!” Alfred knew where those “five minutes” would be spent. Yao’s eyes were practically glued to a table of jade wares in the opposite direction of where they were supposed to be.

“I prefer to be on time,” Alfred pressed.

“How unlike you,” Yao countered.

“Well, this is important!” Yao’s expression was flat. “And yes, it’s much more important than any of the meetings we get up to. It’s not worth being on time for that when the first 20 minutes is spent getting everyone to order in the first place. It’s not like we’re getting any work done.”

“Half the time, you throw everything out of order once you bother to show up!”

“Okay, fair. But at least I bring donuts!”

 

* * *

 

“How much for them?” Alfred asked the target. He could practically feel his agents’ nervousness, and he wasn’t even wearing a communicator. Just a hidden camera and radio hidden in his glasses frames.

He could feel Yao beside him, suddenly hyperfocused on the items on the table.

This was go time. This was what he loved. This was  _good work_.

The trading of dinosaur fossils was big, much bigger than he thought it was when he started cracking down on things. Depending on the fossil, they were easier to sneak past customs than the usual kind of ancient artifacts. After all, customs agents were used to _things_. Clothing, furniture, paintings, pottery, jewelry…not rocks.

“That skull? $15,000 is as low as I’ll go,” the man replied. Alfred wanted to deck him. That fossil had to be at least 100 million years old, so much older than the human race that gave them life and existence in the first place, and he was willing to part with something so priceless for only $15,000?!

Their disguises were working like a charm, at least. The man didn’t question Alfred being the rich playboy type, the kind who threw his (or rather, his father’s) money around to play at his hobbies. Also, when someone had watched _Jurassic Park_ enough times as he had, he could certainly pull off the kind of shallow knowledge to suit the part. Alfred even dropped in some references to brontosauruses for good measure. Smelling quick cash, the man didn’t question Yao being “a dinosaur expert, because you know, you can’t just take your word on it, you gotta verify.” The man’s eyes were like a vulture’s, honed in on his open checkbook.

Yao ran a graceful hand over the skull, fingers not quite touching.

A nod of affirmation.

Alfred knew that hard look. It didn't bode well.

“You also mentioned eggs? The skull would look super nice in my house, but _dinosaur eggs_ , man.”

“Yeah, but these are the real deal! I’ve got sixteen of them. I’ll throw them in for $450.”

“All of them for $450?!”

“No, no, no! That’s $450 _each_.”

A finger tapped gently against the fragile shells. Yao spoke for the first time, “These are from China, correct? The skull some miles from the border with Mongolia, and the eggs from the center?”

The man whistled. “You really are an expert, huh? You could tell that from looking? But yeah, we shipped them in from there. Easier than expected too. Customs kept looking for ivory and Ming vases!”

They shared a laugh and made arrangements. Payment, shipment, documentation (all fake), etc. Goodbyes and the promise of future wares for purchase.

As they walked out toward the convention center lobby, Yao grabbed Alfred’s arm tightly, pulling him to a halt. “Those are _mine_. I want them _back_.”

Alfred smiled.

Who said that work wasn’t fulfilling?

He tapped the arm of his glasses twice.

Behind the scenes, people began to move.

"Well, I know it's not the same as a premiere, but since we're in Arizona..." 

 

* * *

 

By this point, Alfred was at his wit’s end. Yao was, once again, extremely annoyed with him.

The sun was shining! The Grand Canyon, with its weathered bands and bluffs, was beautiful! Alfred even managed to get Yao to special access to the parts the tourists never get to see! Rude.

Sure, Yao was snapping photos like no one’s business. Sure, Yao had bought several excellent novelty t-shirts at the gift shop. And sure, Yao probably bonded a little much with the mule to be parted with it without waterworks. All that was true. _But_ Alfred also knew enough Mandarin to decode that Yao thought him an idiot and was letting the world (and an apparently sympathetic group of elderly Chinese couples on a tour?) know it.

(Alfred had picked up Arthur’s habit of learning a non-English language’s insults first and using that to learn grammar and other basic constructions. Of course, the reasons for this habit even starting differed. For Arthur, this technique came by him naturally; he had always had a chip on his shoulder and his rowdy older brothers only encouraged this. Arthur's first words were probably some Celtic or Latin variation of, "Fuck you, it's raining."

For Alfred? Arthur taught him this method deliberately. A small and cute English colony calling Francis a _sans-couilles_ in a formal ceremony of introduction would have Arthur and Queen Elizabeth I erupting into chortles for at least five years.)

Yep. He definitely heard _hudu chong_ (糊涂虫) in there. _Huā huā gōngzǐ_  (花花公子)? There was also _xiǎo tù zǎizi_ (小兔崽子), which he didn’t quite appreciate.

…And yep. _Bái mù_ (白目). He’d been getting that one a lot lately, but damn he didn’t know what he was missing.

Frustrated, he actually sent a joint text to Arthur and Francis. The two old-timers knew Yao much longer than he did. Maybe they could shed some light.

_You said you’d show him your **what**?! _

_grand canyon!_  
_he was all excited too! i_  
_don’t know what he’s so pissed about?_  
_is there something i’m missing?_

 _Tu es con comme un balai! You raised his hopes._ _  
_

_hopes?_

_Yes, his hopes! Here he was, hoping to reap his reward, and you do this!_  
_There is a difference between teasing and torture. I thought I taught you this._

_okay  
so there's an innuendo involved_

_I should say so! He'll be less annoyed if you show him the real thing he wants to see._

_we're already here though?_

_Fuck you, frog! Alfred, are you sharing facilities with him?_

_well, yeah i’m still on a budget_  
_which sucks_  
_all the cabinet folks get first-class its not fair_

_Alfred Jones, you better get him a separate room. I’m calling Yao this minute. The nerve of him. How dare he!_

_Mon cher, Alfred is independent and an adult. Let him have his fun! A little experience will do him wonders._  
_Yao will show him a good time._  
_Alfred, be sure to tell me all about it later._

 _if you want to see it too, i’m fine with that_  
_just let me know!_

_I will hold you to that. ;)_

_Francis, I’ll kick your ass next after I make this call._

_um. you know my houses are always big to give you guys your own room? right?_

_Pauvre Chine. Pauvre diable!_

Alfred was about to ask what that meant when Yao exploded into a whirlwind of Mandarin expletives, many of which were a lot stronger than the ones he used toward Alfred earlier.

At his phone.

Alfred knew these expletives too.

Great. Another diplomatic mess.

More work.

**Author's Note:**

> Somewhat inspired by the events in [this article](https://tucson.com/news/dinosaur-fossil-smuggler-at-tucson-gem-show-convicted/article_f00b270c-fd69-54a4-9534-7213d3c8e034.html). I kept the setting and some elements the same but changed around some other things. 
> 
> The government agency involved in this is actually US Immigration and Customs Enforcement's [Cultural Property, Art, and Antiquities Program](https://www.ice.gov/cultural-art-investigations). Before I wrote this, I had no idea this kind of thing was connected to ICE, as it is mostly infamous for deportations. This did make recent news articles about ICE agents themselves asking for [ICE to be broken up](https://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2018/6/29/17517870/ice-agents-dhs-break-up-ice) make more sense to me, as ICE probably can't do things like this more with its duties and resources redirected by the shitshow in Washington. I do think that this kind of mission—returning stolen cultural artifacts to their home countries—is something Alfred would get behind, what with his interest in archaeology. (It probably is an evolved position, as I try to make clear here too. He's trying!)
> 
> San Francisco has [a very long history](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_Chinese_Americans_in_San_Francisco) of Chinese living there. Per Wikipedia, the highest percentage of residents of Chinese descent of any major U.S. city and the second largest Chinese American population, after New York City.
> 
> [Penglai](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mount_Penglai) and [Fusang](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fusang) are legendary lands in Chinese mythology, believed to lie east of China. It is possible that these are actually early references to Japan.
> 
> Alfred references the films _[Jurassic Park](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jurassic_Park_\(film\))_ and the more recent _[Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jurassic_World:_Fallen_Kingdom)_. Granted, the science these days is much more exciting. Dinos probably had feathers! But the special effects of the first film still hold up well. As for [brontosauruses](https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-brontosaurus-is-back1/), that was Alfred trying to show he didn't know a lot about dinosaurs and was just in it to collect stuff. (The criminal in this fic probably didn't catch that. Alfred's agents, who would know, likely had a good laugh.)
> 
> Yes, you can go [mule riding](https://www.nps.gov/grca/planyourvisit/mule_trips.htm) in the Grand Canyon. And yes, Yao was looking forward to a different kind of riding entirely. Poor guy.
> 
> **Translations used:**
> 
>  _hudu chong_ (糊涂虫) = absent-minded person, a scatterbrain [(Mandarin Chinese profanity)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mandarin_Chinese_profanity)  
>  _huā huā gōngzǐ_ (花花公子) = playboy, notorious cheater  
>  _xiǎo tù zǎizi_ (小兔崽子) =" little rabbit kitten," refers to someone young. Sort of like "little brat" in English.  
>  _bái mù_ (白目) = ) Literally, white-eyed, blind. It means not understanding the situation and reacting in a wrong way as a result.
> 
>  _sans-couilles_ = without balls, used to describe someone without courage. [(15 French Insults That Are Dangerously Useful)](https://www.rypeapp.com/blog/15-french-insults-dangerously-useful/)  
>  _Tu es con comme un balai!_ = You are as dumb as a broom! [(The 20+ funniest French expressions [and how to use them])](https://matadornetwork.com/abroad/20-funniest-french-expressions-use/)  
>  _Pauvre Chine. Pauvre diable!_ = Poor China. Poor bastard!
> 
> (Gathered from internet sources. The author apologizes for any mistakes on this, as she only knows English and some Spanish.)


End file.
